Tuesday 17 February 2015

Goodbye, anorexia!

In January, I got a present: my period. I hadn't had it for over ten years, not counting Christmas Day 2013, when it mysteriously, wondrously and briefly reappeared in the middle of a church service.

In hindsight, I can't help but smile at my cluelessness. I couldn't figure out why I was moody and craving chocolate (more than usual), or what made my breasts tender of a sudden. Nor did the bloating tip me off. Any other woman of 35 would have known what was up, but not me. I'd been periodless for so long that I chalked it up to a lingering symptom of the flu.

The prodigal period is back for good, and I'm grateful through and through. Roll your eyes if you like: I won't be offended. My period is the sign I've been waiting for, the confirmation that my body has fully recovered from a relatively short but nasty period of self-imposed starvation. I had given up on it, and here it is!

From the outside, you'd never know I'd weighed just shy of 100 lbs at my slightest. You wouldn't guess that I had lost so much hair, I thought I would have bald patches for the rest of my life. Or that I was still pinching what I imagined was fat around my waist -- it was skin, actually -- when there wasn't any fat left to go. Today, like many Canadian women my age, I'm doing my darndest to watch what I eat and exercise regularly in hopes of keeping the scale from creeping up.

I won't pretend I don't look in the mirror every day to gauge where I'm at, size-wise. I'm rather obsessive this way. And yes, I still miss the petite gal I used to be. Thank God, though, I finally understand that the single-minded pursuit of skinny is a dead end.

To anyone reading this blog who might wish to be feather-light and Twiggy slim: if this isn't your natural shape and size, please choose a more enriching goal. It's not that being fit and healthy aren't admirable objectives. They are. By all means, drop a size or two on the way there. But if you're genuinely carrying a few pounds too many, losing fat ought to be a byproduct of making good decisions. It shouldn't happen because you're so restricting your diet and beefing up your exercise routine that you lose sight of all else.

Take it from someone who has lived through both binge-eating disorder and anorexia: set your sights on skinny and you risk focusing so narrowly on one objective that you lose touch with life, with the people you care for, and the interesting, good and true parts of yourself that need your TLC to develop.

Many things will bring you more happiness than having a double-0 waist. Take these, for example: charity, strength, kindness, courage, honesty, patience and good judgment. Or what about these: a partner and children you love with all your heart, a calling or a cause you're passionate about, friends and family who brighten your every day. Feed your creativity and your heart, and forget starving your body and mind. L'Chaim!

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